22. Decisions

The following is my letter to Staff-Parish explaining my decision to delay Candidacy:

11 August 2008

To the members of the State Street Staff-Parish Relations Committee:

Thank you for making time for me in your August meeting. I appreciate the chance to meet with you in preparation for declared candidacy, and the support you have given me in the past as well. However, I’m learning that a large part of any calling is learning to live in God’s time. Though the result is usually something much simpler than I would create for myself, it leaves me scrambling with the plans I build up for myself. I have felt a good deal of “gentle nudging” that this is not the right time for me to pursue candidacy further. Let me attempt to explain further.

When I prepared to visit Hyden, Kentucky with the rest of our Appalachia Service Project team, I expected it to be different than anything I’d ever seen. I expected to fall in love with the people there. I knew I would change, too, but I didn’t know how much! You see, the more I fell in love, the more my viewpoint on ministry changed. First, it was the way I perceived “mission work.” The overcrowded and noisy Estep dwelling was so unlike anything I had ever encountered. Our work, though, was so much less about the church and about doing ministry than it was about forming relationships and becoming a part of the community. Second, I was changed by falling in love with those in poverty rather than simply donating money. When I went on Sunday night home visits, I wondered how they could possibly live like they did. On Friday night, as we prepared to leave, I wondered how I could possibly live like I do. I will never look at poverty in the same way again because it has a face now, and I love the people that belong to those faces.

Our trip to Kentucky taught me how important community is and how important it is to get to know people even if you can’t solve all their problems. It taught me how much more I love sitting down and talking with people than sitting in committee meetings and talking about potential ways to help people. So, I’m working on pruning commitments in my life, so that I can be more intentional about being a part of the Ann Arbor community. I will be attending the University of Michigan this fall, and I want to be able to start fresh. Much of my time in Saginaw was spent wishing that I had more time to do things in the community and more time to not only foster existing relationships but begin new ones. It was always on a to-do list, though, and rarely on a calendar. I’m pruning passionless commitments, and I’m pruning the feeling of needless rush. Certified Candidacy follows close on the heels of Declared Candidacy, and after that, continuing candidacy and meeting after meeting after meeting until eventually ordination. I’m simply not as ready as I thought I was. I have so much more to learn about myself and my approach to ministry, about people in community, and about God’s amazing role in it all.

I still feel called to the ministry of an elder in the United Methodist Church. I still feel God’s careful leading. Yet, I grow each day in the knowledge that God has much more for me to learn as well. I’m taking a year (maybe two or three) away from this process to learn and grow more before I am able to return. Though I may come back with just as many questions, my hope is that I will return with a clearer head. Thank you again for making time for me, and for giving me the space to come back when I’m ready. Blessings for the journey!

In Christ’s Love,

Lizz Martin